Roll with the punches, left right you can do it!

Alrighty, this entry is dedicated to Jim and Karen whom I hope may someday read this…

*note* possible swearing ahead, if you are of a gentile manner, please this is not the entry for you…

“But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane, 
In proving foresight may be vain; 
The best-laid schemes o’ mice an ‘men 
Gang aft agley,
An’lea’e us nought but grief an’ pain, 
For promis’d joy!”

We make plans, as the mouse we wish to foresee everything in our path, but even we know this is fruitless.  In a way many things that happen in our life equate to building that beautiful little winter home, only to have the farmer plough it away for the next season.  In all of my two years of thinking I knew these people, thinking that things would be OK between them and their son, I have never been so badly proven wrong.  I never expected, never dreamed they would force their only child out once more, never dreamed that they could ever be so cruel as to blame their son for something he never did, but I suppose we all have to be proven wrong, we just need the strength to roll with the punches.

To be so shortsighted, so enraged with one another that they would willingly turn their anger and hatred full blast at their only child, their only legacy is something I could never have believed until yesterday.  You are both making a mistake, a horrible erroneous mistake, one you will only see when you catch a glimmer, a hint of someone walking down the street with a small child in tow.  That will be your grandchild, but you will have no part of her life, she will not know you as anything but a distant idea.  She will only know she had loving grandparents on one side, the others never existed.  Because face it, you knew this was never your idea of a great plan, one drunken night of married stupor lead you to believe “we should have kids” with an answer of “OK! lets get started.”  Because after 23 years if you can easily toss aside your kid, tear their pictures from your wall and blame them for something stupid and childish, then you yourselves were never ready to have a child.  It is a shame that both of you will miss your son’s greatest achievements, and it is a shame that your own mother, his grandmother, has been more of a mother to him than either of you have been parents.  I wish I could tell these things to you to your face, and someday I might get that chance, but the honest truth hurts.

I know you will go on with your lives, cover up your ‘bitter past’ and pretend you never had a child, pretend that you could only raise dogs because you had infertility problems.  You will forget your son, shun him and continue to shun all that you have left as family.  I am saddened by your choices, saddened that you truly believe your mother, the kindest woman I have ever met, would really disown you, and I am saddened for you, the only opportunity you ever had to rebuild your life with your only child just faded away.  So go ahead.  Lock yourselves up in that massive prison of yours, continue to surround yourselves by ever obedient dogs that will put up with your screaming, your commands of perfection, and your small prisons.  They will unconditionally love you because you trained them to, they have little free will and live by your schedule, they are what you have made them, perfect, little, children.

Because they are what your son clearly could never be…

The world gives many things, but you may not like what it has to give

Hi there, 

Well as you can probably tell, this is my first ever site.  Quite frankly I’m a little nervous, but I figured I might as well take the plunge and share a hard learned lesson that I learned myself the other day.

You may wish the world would give you something, be it a fancy car or someone to love, but in reality there is a give and take relationship.  You can’t ask for something and not be willing to give something in return, as an ocean’s tides are pushed and pulled by the gravitation of the moon, so are we in return pushed and pulled by the lives around us.  I would never have asked for another day of love if it meant the one who gave that love had to suffer that one more day.  We are selfish in nature, it is the greatest thing to receive something so unconditional, so pure, that we crave more and more and never take the time to realize when the clock has run down.  We change and we age, sometimes things happen out of our control that cut that time short, speed up the change, and send us for a whirlwind ride.  These lead to the what-if’s.  “What if I’d only stayed home that day” or “What if I had only kissed them one more time” or even the most important “If only I’d said good bye.”  We are selfish, and those that love us wholly understand this and try to hold on, if only for our sake.  But even that will, that drive may never be enough.  

We become blind and careless, after all, we have all the time in the world, they will still be there tomorrow, they won’t ever leave us.  It is this erroneous way of thinking that eventually leads to such inevitable sorrow on both sides.  They hold on as long as they can, but they know when their time has come.  We may wake up one morning and find that the one who loved us so dearly, that kissed us every morning is no longer with us, and it will seem so cruel, so hard on us to realize that they are gone.  It is at this point, through all the pain that we must realize how hard it must have been for them to hold on as long as they could, in as much pain as they were in, just so they could get up and kiss us in the morning.  I know this is a hard thing to except, but sometimes you need to tell them the one thing that will break your heart to say, you need to tell them “it’s OK, you can go now, we’ll be alright.”  Because if you love them as much as they love you, then you need to let them go…

I have learned this hard lesson more times than I can bare to say, and it will never get any easier, but know that the longer you hold onto them, the longer they are in pain, the worse it will be for everyone when they finally let go.  Yesterday morning I lost someone whom had been a large part of my life for eleven of my twenty-one years.  She had a tragic beginning with someone who did not or could not love her and nearly left this world all too soon, but we took her in, we brought her to trust humans again, and we stood with her in all of her battles.  In the end her cancer spread to far and gave her such great pain that she knew she could not hold on any more.  We gave her the best life we could, and even though she only lived fourteen years, we tried to make the ones we had with her, the best any dog could ever ask for.

Immemorial

Lady-bug aka Bugga-boo

1998-2012

Hello world!

Hi,

My name is Tiffany in reality but you can call me Tiff if you’d like.  I am a 21 year old fruit-cake like the better half of my family.  My interests lie in technology, art, music, sewing, reading, and Asian Ball Jointed Dolls (feel free to ask, I’d love the excuse to post pics!).

I am in essence a commodity, as a kid I used to love taking things apart to see how they worked (though dad usually had to put them back together!) and I pretty much like to do the same now that I am older (except I take pictures this time).  I tend to try to work out solutions to problems that seem pretty impossible to solve, probably why I like math so much.

I hope you get the chance to get to know me, because trust me this is gonna be one heck of a whirlwind ride!